Monthly Archives: May 2012

Am I Past It?!

So my Mum and Grandma were chatting the other day, and they were talking about family or something (I wasn’t there, my Mum told me afterwards).

They recalled how Grandma’s mum had promised to stay alive to see her first great-grandson, and died soon after my brother was born.

My Grandma then remarked, “Well, I’ve given up on great-grandkids, our R&R’s knocking on a bit!” – Thanks, Grandma – I’m only 23!

The truth is, even though I am only 23, I am worried that I’m letting the chance of having children pass me by. I’d always planned on being settled in my career, married and having had at least one child by this age. Unfortunately, life doesn’t seem to have any regard for your personal plans, and I am unmarried, childless and without a career.

Both my mother and my grandmother had problems and had to have hysterectomies at relatively young ages, and I believe that my Grandma’s mother died of ovarian cancer. My biological father’s mother had cervical cancer (although I don’t know much more about this side of the family).

So, I guess you can’t blame me for worrying. Some days it gets so bad that I actually convince myself that I’m barren. It just seems that it’s guaranteed for me to struggle to have children, since I so desperately want them! I have known all my life that the reason I am here on this Earth is to be a mother. It’s the only thing I know without a doubt that I will be good at, and it’s the only job I will be able to do – all other jobs interest me for the time being but I know in my heart that they’re not “forever jobs”. It also seems that many Christian couples (in my church, at least) have had struggles with fertility.

I don’t know – I’m not even old enough to go for my first smear test; you have to be 25 in England, unless there are problems – so I guess we’ll wait and see…

Grandma did get me worried though! And I don’t know why she’s so adamant about it right now anyway, she knows I need to be married before I even think about realistically having children (and preferably, settled in a job and house!)

~ R&R


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How Long ’til Retirement?

Well seeing as I haven’t been here to update you all, you won’t know that I’ve got a job. It’s just temporary for 3 months (until the end of July) but it’s full time and I’m exhausted!

I leave the house at 7.40am and get home at 6.30pm – I’m grateful that it’s summer because I’d hate to be going and returning in the dark!

My job isn’t too difficult – I work in the Pharmacy Department of my local hospital – but it’s strenuous. I’m on my feet all day and having to carry and lift heavy boxes (difficult for a weakling like me!) so it’s physically draining – I come home and it takes all my energy just to have a shower and eat my dinner. I’m often in bed just trying to keep my eyes open from 8pm until an appropriate “adult” bedtime!

It seems that most other people are fine with full-time working, and can even go to the gym or out with friends after work – I don’t know how they do it! Apparently I’ll get used to it but it certainly doesn’t seem like it at the moment!

I’m enjoying the job itself, but the people are difficult. It’s mostly women, and there are obvious “cliques” so there’s lots of bitching and gossiping. I’ve taken to putting away the stock, the storeroom staff seem much more laid back and the atmosphere is much nicer – I enjoy the monotony and solitude – but it has become another source of bitching as they think I’m just “skiving”. It bothers me that nobody says anything to my face but they’re obviously dicussing me behind my back.

9 more weeks and I’m done there! I can’t wait!

I just do’t think I’m cut out for full time working, unless I can be alone, or in charge!


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